I'm Em, 21. Exactly 3 years ago, I was facing a sort of depression period and it took me almost a year to accept and understand it. I have never been able to talk about it until now, don't worry, I know it is a bit long and trust me, I will understand if you just leave now… :)
Not going to lie, I was quite anxious to start a blog and I am still unsure if it was really a good idea, … It's just that I never been able to talk about what I have been through and I think that it may help people who are in the same situation. I apologise in advance for the long (and probably boring, selfish) post I'm living on here.
At that time, I just graduated from high school with honours, I was living at home and for my family, I was having a blast. I had applied to 7 unis, was accepted to 3, the worst ones, which were just the exact opposite of what I wanted in my life. I was constantly feeling low, sad and I just wanted to stop everything, wrapping myself in bed and never going out ever again. I was ashamed, ashamed not to succeed the way I wanted, ashamed to never be going out, ashamed to have only 3 friends to talk to. I was feeling like I was not important to anyone; not even my friends or family. I was feeling like all the efforts I made to succeed in my studies had been useless. I was feeling like a failure, a loser. For my family, it was just a teenage crisis, that time when you just want to throw things away and go travel the world when you reach 18. But no. it was more than just a crisis. Every day, when I was coming back from Uni, I just wanted to be on my own. I had no real friends just uni pals, with who I was staying at uni, that's all. I was never going out, never having fun, this was not really for me. This lasted a year until I realise I was not okay, I refused to go and see a therapist as I did not want to accept that I was feeling unwell. I got really angry at my parents for not being able to help me, I just wanted to escape, go away from them and forever. I was fed up with everything, people in the metro, the noises of the city, the delayed trains and buses, everything was making me mad. Even my parents. I could not bother them anymore.
At School, I have always been really stressed and nervous for and during exams, this made me panicking and trembling. This handicapped me a lot, as I could never concentrated, and got blank in front of the paper. Although I passed the exams, my grades were low, just fair to pass. This always made me feel like a loser, unable to get good grades like my pairs, which made me go crazy, and thought that I should just stop studying and go work.
I always have been really badly sociable. Indeed, at school, I had been bullied and humiliated because I was "too clever" or "too fat" to fit in the social group. I was friend with older people, adults and teachers, as I was feeling more confident and closer to them than people from my age. At Uni, I started to smoke and drink frequently. I was feeling that doing this was making me more sociable, cool and more attractive to others. I started having more friends, going out more usually, this made my mental health getting better. But quickly, I realise that it was just for a moment and not forever. I lost weight, change my dressing, I start getting more attractive to boys, as I wanted to be like others of my age, I wanted to get a boy friend, go out and have fun. This worked for months until my depression got back and rougher.
I was feeling like shit all the time, it was like I was imprisoned in a vicious circle to which I could not escape. My mood was like a roller coaster, sometimes really high and the rest of the time really low. sometimes being really happy, or really sad, and even thinking of ending up my life, feeling like a burden for others and for myself.
I have never been to see a psychiatrist or a therapist as I was not feeling like they could understand me, above all, I did not want to get judged for my life choices. This was my choice, maybe it was a bad choice, but I do not regret it. I saw so many psychiatrists when I was younger, and they all revealed what I said them to my parents, that I could never trust them anymore. Maybe I am just stubborn and childish, maybe not seeing them was a massive mistake, but I am aware of that and I still don't feel like they can help me. Instead, I started a sort of "self-therapy", conducting my own life by myself, making definitive choices, asking myself what could be the best for me. This is the process by which, I decided to leave everything I had, to start a brand new life, far away from my old friends and family, I left my country to start a new life, new studies, in another country, speaking a different language and this is how I realised a childhood dream I had forever.
Making those choices was probably the craziest thing I ever have done in my life, but it revealed me who I really am, it revealed this little me who was hidden inside. I got to be my real self, and not the one people wanted me to be. I re start reading a lot of books, walking around taking pictures of nature and people, I get to do what I really like and what makes me really happy. I sometimes go out, I hang out with my new friends, I am never judged for who I am or what I said. This is a true relief to be me after all these years, even if it has not been always easy.
Today I feel a little bit better, but my mental health is still uncertain and sometimes on a loop. I am still very anxious, but I feel like I am a new person, I have new ambition, new goals, new friends. My life is way more organised and sane and I feel like I got what I always hoped.