Let’s start with the beginning …

I'm Em, 21. Exactly 3 years ago, I was facing a sort of depression period and it took me almost a year to accept and understand it. I have never been able to talk about it until now,  don't worry,  I know it is a bit long and trust me, I will understand if you just leave now… :) 

Not going to lie, I was quite anxious to start a blog and I am still unsure if it was really a good idea, …  It's just that I never been able to talk about what I have been through and I think that it may help people who are in the same situation. I apologise in advance for the long (and probably boring, selfish) post I'm living on here. 

At that time, I just graduated from high school with honours, I was living at home and for my family, I was having a blast. I had applied to 7 unis, was accepted to 3, the worst ones, which were just the exact opposite of what I wanted in my life. I was constantly feeling low, sad and I just wanted to stop everything, wrapping myself in bed and never going out ever again. I was ashamed, ashamed not to succeed the way I wanted, ashamed to never be going out, ashamed to have only 3 friends to talk to. I was feeling like I was not important to anyone; not even my friends or family. I was feeling like all the efforts I made to succeed in my studies had been useless. I was feeling like a failure, a loser. For my family, it was just a teenage crisis, that time when you just want to throw things away and go travel the world when you reach 18. But no. it was more than just a crisis. Every day, when I was coming back from Uni, I just wanted to be on my own. I had no real friends just uni pals, with who I was staying at uni, that's all. I was never going out, never having fun, this was not really for me. This lasted a year until I realise I was not okay, I refused to go and see a therapist as I did not want to accept that I was feeling unwell. I got really angry at my parents for not being able to help me, I just wanted to escape, go away from them and forever. I was fed up with everything, people in the metro, the noises of the city, the delayed trains and buses, everything was making me mad. Even my parents.  I could not bother them anymore.

At School, I have always been really stressed and nervous for and during exams, this made me panicking and trembling. This handicapped me a lot, as I could never concentrated, and got blank in front of the paper. Although I passed the exams, my grades were low, just fair to pass. This always made me feel like a loser, unable to get good grades like my pairs, which made me go crazy, and thought that I should just stop studying and go work. 

I always have been really badly sociable. Indeed, at school, I had been bullied and humiliated because I was "too clever" or "too fat" to fit in the social group. I was friend with older people, adults and teachers, as I was feeling more confident and closer to them than people from my age. At Uni, I started to smoke and drink frequently. I was feeling that doing this was making me more sociable, cool and more attractive to others. I started having more friends, going out more usually, this made my mental health getting better. But quickly, I realise that it was just for a moment and not forever. I lost weight, change my dressing, I start getting more attractive to boys, as I wanted to be like others of my age, I wanted to get a boy friend, go out and have fun. This worked for months until my depression got back and rougher.

I was feeling like shit all the time, it was like I was imprisoned in a vicious circle to which I could not escape. My mood was like a roller coaster, sometimes really high and the rest of the time really low. sometimes being really happy, or really sad, and even thinking of ending up my life, feeling like a burden for others and for myself.

I have never been to see a psychiatrist or a therapist as I was not feeling like they could understand me, above all, I did not want to get judged for my life choices. This was my choice, maybe it was a bad choice, but I do not regret it. I saw so many psychiatrists when I was younger, and they all revealed what I said them to my parents,  that I could never trust them anymore. Maybe I  am just stubborn and childish, maybe not seeing them was a massive mistake, but I am aware of that and I still don't feel like they can help me. Instead, I started a sort of "self-therapy", conducting my own life by myself, making definitive choices, asking myself what could be the best for me. This is the process by which,  I decided to leave everything I had, to start a brand new life, far away from my old friends and family, I left my country to start a new life, new studies, in another country, speaking a different language and this is how I realised a childhood dream I had forever.

Making those choices was probably the craziest thing I ever have done in my life, but it revealed me who I really am, it revealed this little me who was hidden inside. I got to be my real self, and not the one people wanted me to be. I re start reading a lot of books, walking around taking pictures of nature and people, I get to do what I really like and what makes me really happy.  I sometimes go out, I hang out with my new friends, I am never judged for who I am or what I said. This is a true relief to be me after all these years, even if it has not been always easy.

Today I feel a little bit better, but my mental health is still uncertain and sometimes on a loop. I am still very anxious, but I feel like I am a new person, I have new ambition, new goals, new friends. My life is way more organised and sane and I feel like I got what I always hoped.

 

Failures and self construction

I'm actually reading an excellent philosophy book on failure, written by Charles Pépin, a French philosopher and teacher. Though he is french, his book has been translate in many languages because of his popularity. Thus, Pépin has one thesis in his book : failures are essential to success.

In other words, it is because we failed once that we are getting more successful later. Indeed, Failures are essential to put ourselves into question.Doing that, we are touching what is really important for us in our lives.

In his book, Charles Pépin, uses a lot of famous reference such as Raphael Nadal or Steve Jobs, some people who failed once, and got even brighter after, because they knew how to take advantage of this failure to succeed in the future.
He also says that people who never failed, do not have the opportunity to put themselves into questions, they remain the same, doing the same every day of each year of their life. They are not even trying something different, they are drowned in their mediocrely choose success. By the way, Failing enables us to understand what we should not do again, understanding what is not working, what we have to change to succeed.

I start reading this book after I failed to one of my Uni exam, it was like a massive slap in my face. Something I was not ready for and which I was not expecting at all !. Thankfully, I have the possibility to resit this exam. Having a second chance. Although this is not a massive failure, and because i probably over exaggerated this failure, it teaches me that my methods were not good enough, and that I was trying to do too many things at the same time. It was like an alert, that I needed to re-think my learning method and that I needed to re organize my life, focusing more on what is really important for my future. Although this is destructing my summer plans and job, nonetheless I'm glad I have this time to revise again, having more time to get ready to resit this exam with more confidence, and clearness. I now know what is expected by my teachers, despite that I'm really really stressed and anxious, I have all the keys to succeed and I will succeeded! As I'm determined and passionate !

Sorry that was a short and selfish post this time … hope you don't mind it too much …

I think I just needed to talk about it 🙂

See you, guys, later

And don't m hesitate to comment 🙂

Xoxo

No, having sex is not the finality of a relationship !

If i am sure about one thing about relationship and love, it is that, Sex is not only love and love is not only sex. Saying that, I am pretty sure (let’s say 90% sure) that it exists relationships where people love each other without having sex. Yeah, I’m sure it exists ! … Just have to find where, are those people …. ❤️👌
Few month ago, and after I made researches and talking on forum, I could finally put a word on what I am feeling.
I am : Asexual.
This word, although it is negligently used and barely understood. Is not an excuse of living solo, having no relationship or sex. It’s not even a choice, that’s a sexual orientation. This is s part of your sexuality, of your personality.

When I started to talk about it, around me people were like, “don’t worry, this is just a phase, you’re young, you just did not find the right person yet”
Even my parents, were like : “don’t say that to anyone, they would think you’re crazy…”

Crazy.
That’s the word I was looking for…

I have always felt like I was different. I have never felt any “sexual attraction” to anyone (neither boys or girls). While people of my age were already having sex for years, I was more feeling disgusted and sex was not something I was really expecting or hoping. More something I was running away from.
Nonetheless, I had no problem to talk about it, it was just not something I am really enjoying.
I have been in relationships, I tried sex, but it was definitely not something for me, it was not even something I liked or enjoyed, it was more like a burden. Something I HAD to do, to be socially acceptable…In relationships I was always afraid of reaching that big step. I never really knew how to handle it, neither how to tell to my partner that I was expecting a sexless relationship. So, I usually were ending out the relationship before, giving candid excuses.

I have never talked about my asexuality at uni,  not even with my friends, as it’s not something I am really feeling confortable with. When people ask me, what is my sexual orientation, I’m just, hmm Confused. When I’m meeting guys, getting close I’m always really scared that we get too close that we have to have sex, and that I’d have to explain that, or to avoid it. Running away.
Running away is always the most difficult when you like someone… especially when it’s not for a good and valuable reason.

That’s where I am now. Confused. Lost and lonely. Nonetheless happy and proud of who I am.
How confusing is that ? Tell me about that … 😬🙄

Bye !

Em

4 reasons why having a high IQ does not make you better than anyone else

I have been “diagnosed” with a 162 IQ when I was a child. Thus, I belong to the 1% of the world population that have an IQ superior to 150.
At first, this look attractive and cool, but believe me, it is not.

Here are my 4 reasons why …

1) it makes me look weird to others

Not everyone knows what having a high IQ mean, most of people misunderstand that as being a genius, on the top of the class and able to memorize everything. Nonetheless, this is not true, Indeed, most of high IQ people are not genius, we just have higher capacities, that enable us to learn more quickly, to remember stuff we saw or heard just once. Also, we have a specific way to interpret what we are seeing or living. Our feelings are sometimes really confused, and this is why it is usually difficult for us to understand other people’s.

Personally, I always had social difficulties, in my everyday interactions and communication with others. Sometimes, I can say something that is misunderstood or misinterpreted and which can creates bad atmosphere or conflicting situations.

2) I have been alone most of my life.

Couple of friends, 1 boyfriend, … that’s all.

Ok im 21. I still have time to fill out my lack of friends and relationships, but still…

I struggled and still struggle really much to understand other people feeling. Which makes relationships and friendship quite rare and not really durable and which create a priceless lack in my life.

At school, I spent most of my time alone or with older people, adults, …
I always have felt different than others from my age. Their conversations bored me and I just wanted to go away, smiling to be polite.

3) I always had “average” grades

Although, I’m said to be “really clever” and bright, I always had correct but average grades.
The main explanation to that is that my way of thinking was not matching with what teachers were expecting. The answers I was giving were always miles away from what they were expecting from us. Which obviously do no give you better credit…

At school, I was always bored, nothing was going fast enough for me. Only extra curricular stuff were making me bright and made me really happy. All those things that do not give you extra credit but which make your personality and help you to be who you are. Though I really loved school, (mainly because It was the place of learning), I just wanted to finish it as soon as possible, so I can do what I really like.

4) it makes every usual and common things even more complicated while hard stuff is easy

Being sociable. Having a conversation Having friends. Going out. Dating. Giving people a call. Making decision. Organizing my time table. Getting my driving licence. Being logical…. these are for me the hardest thing to do.

But I know how to repair a car, I speak nearly 4 languages, I’m studying law in another language, I remember everything I have seen once and even a minute. I can re create a place or an object I just saw.
I can learn everything by heart in less than an hour … I remember everything that people told me, every conversations, I can solve mathematics problems and enigmas really quickly, etc etc ….

This is the sum up of my life tho …

Any comments ? Help ? Advices or support ? Everything is welcome…

My english is poor. my life is terribly boring,  nonetheless, I don’t know why it makes me really happy to talk about it.

I accept all comments, complains, like or hate, … I just don’t tolerate discrimination, hateful statement or everything toxic to a safe and friendly atmosphere on this blog.

Thanks !

Welcome to my first ever blog ! 😀