Let’s start with the beginning …

I'm Em, 21. Exactly 3 years ago, I was facing a sort of depression period and it took me almost a year to accept and understand it. I have never been able to talk about it until now,  don't worry,  I know it is a bit long and trust me, I will understand if you just leave now… :) 

Not going to lie, I was quite anxious to start a blog and I am still unsure if it was really a good idea, …  It's just that I never been able to talk about what I have been through and I think that it may help people who are in the same situation. I apologise in advance for the long (and probably boring, selfish) post I'm living on here. 

At that time, I just graduated from high school with honours, I was living at home and for my family, I was having a blast. I had applied to 7 unis, was accepted to 3, the worst ones, which were just the exact opposite of what I wanted in my life. I was constantly feeling low, sad and I just wanted to stop everything, wrapping myself in bed and never going out ever again. I was ashamed, ashamed not to succeed the way I wanted, ashamed to never be going out, ashamed to have only 3 friends to talk to. I was feeling like I was not important to anyone; not even my friends or family. I was feeling like all the efforts I made to succeed in my studies had been useless. I was feeling like a failure, a loser. For my family, it was just a teenage crisis, that time when you just want to throw things away and go travel the world when you reach 18. But no. it was more than just a crisis. Every day, when I was coming back from Uni, I just wanted to be on my own. I had no real friends just uni pals, with who I was staying at uni, that's all. I was never going out, never having fun, this was not really for me. This lasted a year until I realise I was not okay, I refused to go and see a therapist as I did not want to accept that I was feeling unwell. I got really angry at my parents for not being able to help me, I just wanted to escape, go away from them and forever. I was fed up with everything, people in the metro, the noises of the city, the delayed trains and buses, everything was making me mad. Even my parents.  I could not bother them anymore.

At School, I have always been really stressed and nervous for and during exams, this made me panicking and trembling. This handicapped me a lot, as I could never concentrated, and got blank in front of the paper. Although I passed the exams, my grades were low, just fair to pass. This always made me feel like a loser, unable to get good grades like my pairs, which made me go crazy, and thought that I should just stop studying and go work. 

I always have been really badly sociable. Indeed, at school, I had been bullied and humiliated because I was "too clever" or "too fat" to fit in the social group. I was friend with older people, adults and teachers, as I was feeling more confident and closer to them than people from my age. At Uni, I started to smoke and drink frequently. I was feeling that doing this was making me more sociable, cool and more attractive to others. I started having more friends, going out more usually, this made my mental health getting better. But quickly, I realise that it was just for a moment and not forever. I lost weight, change my dressing, I start getting more attractive to boys, as I wanted to be like others of my age, I wanted to get a boy friend, go out and have fun. This worked for months until my depression got back and rougher.

I was feeling like shit all the time, it was like I was imprisoned in a vicious circle to which I could not escape. My mood was like a roller coaster, sometimes really high and the rest of the time really low. sometimes being really happy, or really sad, and even thinking of ending up my life, feeling like a burden for others and for myself.

I have never been to see a psychiatrist or a therapist as I was not feeling like they could understand me, above all, I did not want to get judged for my life choices. This was my choice, maybe it was a bad choice, but I do not regret it. I saw so many psychiatrists when I was younger, and they all revealed what I said them to my parents,  that I could never trust them anymore. Maybe I  am just stubborn and childish, maybe not seeing them was a massive mistake, but I am aware of that and I still don't feel like they can help me. Instead, I started a sort of "self-therapy", conducting my own life by myself, making definitive choices, asking myself what could be the best for me. This is the process by which,  I decided to leave everything I had, to start a brand new life, far away from my old friends and family, I left my country to start a new life, new studies, in another country, speaking a different language and this is how I realised a childhood dream I had forever.

Making those choices was probably the craziest thing I ever have done in my life, but it revealed me who I really am, it revealed this little me who was hidden inside. I got to be my real self, and not the one people wanted me to be. I re start reading a lot of books, walking around taking pictures of nature and people, I get to do what I really like and what makes me really happy.  I sometimes go out, I hang out with my new friends, I am never judged for who I am or what I said. This is a true relief to be me after all these years, even if it has not been always easy.

Today I feel a little bit better, but my mental health is still uncertain and sometimes on a loop. I am still very anxious, but I feel like I am a new person, I have new ambition, new goals, new friends. My life is way more organised and sane and I feel like I got what I always hoped.

 

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Disney is not (only) for kids

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I’m kind of tired of people saying that Disney is “only for kids.” And that when you’re adults you should “focus on grownup things” Instead of “being stuck in the past”. How is the past having something to do in that ? I mean, we all live in the past. We are all dreaming of something we used to have in the past, aren’t we all? I’m sure you already have hoped for an ex to come back. Or dreamt of this old friends’ parties you used to have until late when you were younger, Don’t you !? I’m sure you perfectly get what I mean!

Anyway, we all know that, all around us, some people whom tend to say that Disney should be left to kids. “Time to grow up” they said.

Well, I don’t agree with that. I would even push the boundaries and say that Disney is more for adults than kids. I mean. You need to understand the value and philosophy of Disney’s movies to take it into account. You need to live Disney.

When you are kid, you appreciate the naive aspect of the stories and you dream on the “happily ever after” with your dearest “prince charming” for when you will be older. It has more of a didactic role. It teaches kids how to behave. That they have to respect each other. Like everyone the same, in spite of their differences… etc

However, at adulthood, Disney has a perfecting role. It “helps” you to see through your life. It enables you to see things more clearly and see it with a distance. Also, it helps you to escape the seriousness of the real world and all its troubles for a while and makes you happy. It just keeps you going, really. It has been proved by studies that feeling happy for others, makes you happy. Make sense then. Disney is full of this happiness that we need.

It’s like an injection of happiness that just enables us to escape the hard reality of life and all its defects that just destroy us slowly but surely. Hence the necessity to get our dose of happiness.

For example, last night, right in the middle of a crisis with my mother, I went to watch the new “Incredibles 2” and while I was all upset and annoyed with what was happening with my mum being a bitch to me. Watching that movie made me feel like I was part of this “incredible” family, that they were adopting me for the 1h40 min that the movie lasted. I know, this sounds so ridiculous and stupid. But trust me, when you suffer from mental health issues, every brightness in life is a god’s gift on your way to happiness.

I always have had issues with my mum. Although I am a good / clever and successful kid. She doesn’t like me as much as she likes my brother. You would think it’s not possible, wouldn’t you ? Well, trust me, it is. Because our personalities are incompatible, we cannot live together or it’s just perpetuate crisis and arguments. She doesn’t like the fact that I’m strong minded and that I have no feelings (im like, super honest and frank. I cannot lie about people …) being on the verge of the spectrum, is also not really helping, as I don’t perceive people’s emotions, I can just sound like a bitch without even realizing it… Because I am doing everything she never did, she is also kind of jealous of me. Jealous of me having an Healthy dad (hers died when she was 4) she is also jealous of the life I have. Having friends, going to trips and having fun in a country she always wanted to live in. While you thought she would be just “Happy” for me. No, she cannot just be “happy” for me, she is also jealous of who I am and hates me for it. She doesn’t accept who I am and doesn’t like me for that. She never clearly said that she was proud or happy for me and for what I achieved. I had to ask her if “she was happy” for her to say it.

Anyway, that was not the subject here.

For me, Disney is just a way to escape from all this painful reality of living a modern Cinderella-like kind of life.

I think, sheltering myself into Disney world just enables me to be “a child” again and just pretend I don’t have responsibilities and that I’m not an adult yet. I think it just helps me to just protect myself from the rest of the world that is nasty and scary. All this hatred that fill in the world around us, I think I’m trying to escape from it for my own sake. Maybe I’m being selfish ? But well …

Hated by all

img_0205For a long time. Probably forever. I always have been the one that nobody wants in their teams. The one that is never invited to parties. The one that we bully to kill time. The least favorite of all…Im the weird black duck in the story. But the end is not so glorious for me, everyone knows I will end up lonely and sad.

Because nobody cares about me.

Even in my own family. Im hated by all. Although im the best / cleverest kid, I’m the least favorite. The one that nobody cares about. The one that they all hate. Why would you care for a fucking bitch anyway.

My destiny is and will always be to be hated. No one ever fought for me. No one took risk for me. No one ever really cared about me.

First, I had to fight to get my whole family at Graduations (aka: the most important day of my life) secondly, no one ever ask if “im okay” or “how I am” ? Because they just assume that I’m fine because I judge and criticize people for their stupid choices in life. I can be just fine. No matter what.

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible illness and that all those bastards just realised that they were completely wrong about me. That they don’t know me at all and that I was / am suffering like anyone else. Deeply and immensely suffering in my heart and soul. And that, if I was seeing a Therapist, that was not for my own pleasure. That I was really really not okay. I just knew how to hide it.

Fuck them. They never gave me the consideration I owed. They will have to pay the price of it and will only have their eyes to cry.

I’m just a forgotten bitch. The one that always tells the truth. The one that is honest and that everybody hates because of that. The one that can just shut up and let go. The one that just everyone hates.

Because of all of that. I thought, a couple of month ago, to take my own life. I thought of it. I even thought of the way to do it… taking medicine is probably the least dramatic. But I was too afraid to succeed so I just changed my mind.

Who will be missing me !? Who will be really crying if I was disappearing?

No one probably. ‘Cause no one fucking cares about me. I could be fighting against depression and anxiety. That would not alarm anyone, coz I’m the bitch that everyone hates. The bitch that just annoys everyone. The bitch that anyone wants far away gone.

No one ever liked or love me.

Nobody cares about a bitch. Everyone hates her anyway. Saying the truth is always hard to hear, hard to accept. And because the best defence is to attack. Why would they do any different.

When you have a favorite. The other don’t really count do they ?!

She said I have no friends. Bitch has no friend. Bitch can just die. They don’t deserve anything good anyway.

What it (really) feels like to be an Ace…

A year and a half ago I finally could put a word on how I felt : I am Asexual. 

It does not mean that I don’t like anyone or that I don’t feel “love” for anyone, I just don’t feel any sexual attraction. What’s wrong with that, would you think ? And you’d be right, there’s nothing wrong with that. Apart from the fact that we are living in a completely sexualised society where having no sexual intercourse appears like THE DEFAULT. 

img_0202A year and a half ago I finally could put a word on how I felt : I am Asexual.

It does not mean that I don’t like anyone or that I don’t feel “love” for anyone, I just don’t feel any sexual attraction. What’s wrong with that, would you think ? And you’d be right, there’s nothing wrong with that. Apart from the fact that we are living in a completely sexualised society where having no sexual intercourse appears like THE DEFAULT.

A year ago I was (not without any fears) “coming out” to my parents. They were the first person I ever told and I really thought I could have count on them to understand. The thing is that they like to call themselves as “young, cool and understanding parents” WHAT A JOKE though.

When I told them I am asexual,  they looked at me like I was an alien, then they laughed and said I had no idea what I was saying, that I was too young – I was just 21, everyone knows it’s way too young to figure out our sexuality –  and that I could not say that yet. I must have had just a “bad experience” or just “did not meet the right guy, yet” they say. How progressist is that ? 

To be honest, I was so shook that I just nod. But finished by saying that I think I was well aware of what / how I felt. That they must accept it and shut up. They did not took me seriously.

No need to tell you that it did not end well.

One year later, nothing has moved up. Every time the subject of “relationship” and “sex” come up (’cause, yeah it does come up sometimes) it just ends up with laughter and that sentence : “haha, don’t pretend to be such minx ! ” Well, yeah sure. Great. Thanks…

Of course I wish my life was simpler, punctuate of an easy bunch of relationships and intercourses , being in a “normal relationship” with someone else and just be like NORMAL. But no, on the top of being super weird, awkwardly sociable, I am also unable to like someone normally and my parents think I am pretending to be a minx or something like that. Guess I’ll be alone for the rest of my life then. Truthfully, who wants to be with someone that does not want to have sex at all… It’s like going to the beach and not be “allowed” to swim… sort of.

For a long time I just thought I was feeling like that because my “sex life” did not start really well. First of all, I know I did it for the wrong reason : I was feeling too bad for being one of the only one of my friends’ group to never have done it and I was feeling super awkward when playing “truth or dare” games when people were mentioning sex stuff that I never did.  Long story short, I had my first intercourse when I was 19 and it was pretty disastrous; Not what I was expecting at all. Just pure awkwardness.

After that, while I was dating that guy thinking he was sweet and nice. The asshole, tried to fucking RAPE me after getting me wine drunk at his. Thankfully I was not “too drunk” to be completely careless and thankfully got to escape, but still. Worst time of my life so far.

Finally, last year, I was dating that super sweet and cute guy for months, he was genuinely super nice and I was slowly falling for him. It was working really well between the two of us (he was such an amazing kisser). Anyway, I ended up messing everything up because I completely freaked out when the “big moment” came. Although he said he would wait until I were completely ready, I knew it would eventually arrives and I lose it, broke with him, and it was over. First it was a relief as I was telling myself that anyhow he was not a guy for me, giving myself excuses for stupidly breaking up with him. Took me 3 months to recover and to loose the guilt of breaking up with the only guy who ever liked me…

While I thought it would make me feel better and safer (I don’t know why) to be alone. I tried to comfort myself saying that I did not need anyone to be happy and that I was happier single. Relationships are anyway too difficult and stressful. My closest friend told me I was wrong and that I will eventually find someone who is like me. But I don’t know. Am I really asexual or just afraid of sex ? and if so, is that even possible though ?

Can you tell my life is an incalculable mess ?!

Living with mental health issues

img_0024I always kinda knew I had mental health issues. From time to time I got used to it. I got to control it so it does not overwhelm me. But my time at Uni has contributed to increase them so I could not even control or fight them. Living away from home, in a different country. I found myself feeling like I was not safe, that I needed to move away to feel better. I also found myself crying for no reasons. Feeling worthless and depress, I even thought of stopping Uni for a bit. The stress was killing me slowly… Depression was round the corner I knew it, It was time for me to act. Time to consult as I was afraid that it might impacts my studies and because I was feeling more and more anxious every week. So I end up going to the counselor.

Firstly it was hard. I remember saying to the counselor that I my case was not grave enough, that I didn’t deserve that she used her time to help me. That I was not “so bad” but still. I had this fear of failure that was shadowing me all the time. I was feeling like I was not worth it. I might not be as I got rejected from all but one of my masters application. In one word, I was sad.

At that same time, I had a massive argument with the group of “friends” I had in my class. That decided not to talk to me anymore. Another proof that I was apparently not worth it. Neither a valuable student, nor a valuable friend. I was alone, sitting by myself I was however fine with it. I was done with those childish behavior and this perpetual feeling of competition that was reigning in my class. I was done with them too.

Thank god i had friends outside my class. People who actually really liked me for who I am. But my best friend was living a long time relationships breaking up and he had other things to worry about. In spite of him trying to carry me out through the term as much as he could.

Nearly three months after my first appointment with the counselor, I’m glad I made it. Even if my mood remains on a roller coaster ever day, I feel like seeing someone on a regular basis really helped be to get more confidence and motivation.

I’m now less than 4 weeks before my first finals exam, I feel stressed and anxious, but I still have this little voice that repeats me that I’m fine. That I will succeed because I have worked all year and because I am bright, I can do it 💪👌

Why I don’t believe in love anymore

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It started few years ago, while I was witnessing the destruction of my parents’ couple. In other words, it started when, I genuinely realised that love is not only bringing good to people, but it also creates violence, sadness and disappointment.

At that time, I was pretty young, and like everyone else of my age, I was believing in love and happiness. believing in the candid “happily ever after” claimed in Disney movies and fairy tales.

Now I’m more feeling nothing and this is why, I don’t believe in love anymore. I just feel empty. I feel like friendship is the only thing that is worth it in life and in what we can and should believe.

I might sound pretty dark and hopeless but that is truly what I think.

I do think that love is destructing human being rather than making them happier. I would not say that it is the case for everyone, as there’s definitely people out there, who are happy all their lives, loving and being loved.

But, let’s be honest, look around you. I’m sure you know more love stories that ends up badly than happily ever after and I’m pretty sure you know a at least 5 people who had like 3 different boyfriends and girlfriends in the last year.

Anyway…

This starts with the fundaments of love. As love is passion, it is violent and it hurts. And because, there is no passion without being hurt, then love can only be suffering , for everyone. To love you need to make sacrifice, choices, decisions ; you  cannot just love and keep your life the same. Love is totally knocking your life down. If there is no din, then there is no love. it is not me, saying it, it’s just true verified facts.

If you look at the most famous love stories you will see that love is always synonym to suffering. Just look at Romeo and Juliet’s Shakespeare’s famous play, for instance. Without caricaturing, this embody the whole image of love. showing that love implied choice and personal sacrifices to be real and achievable. Because you cannot love without making choices. Although you cannot choose why  or who you love, you can and must choose if you love and how you love. If you love, there is love, if you don’t then, there is no love. It is that simple.

Nonetheless, love is not simple. It’s mix of awkward feeling and choices. How can we make sure that we do love someone ? How can we make sure that we feel love ? and by the way what is love ? Love is so weird. How can we explain that we love this or that person and not another one ? How do we explain attraction ? In the opposite, how do we explain that we can love someone for a while and suddenly, hate them ?

As I said earlier, I witnessed the close of my parents’ couple but also a lot of my parents’ friends couple being slowly destroyed, causing sadness and cries. I saw them being more and more distant, even getting nasty  to each other. This gives me the feeling that love was too unstable to be the base of a solid and happy life.

I would not say that I’m pessimistic, I would say I’m realistic. And realism does not involved to base all your life plans on unstable feelings such as love, this explains why, I don’t believe in love. I mean, just look around you. I’m sure you can name more than 5 couples that seemed super happy and madly in love when they first met and in the first months, let’s say years, of their relationship.  I am sure they were even talking about living together, getting married and having kids, living happily ever after, and who broke up quickly, with a lot of cry and remorseless. I know I’am right.  I also know that some of you may say that I’m too young and that I don’t know anything about love. I would reply to that, that it is even tough because I’m young that I have had the time to observe around me and I don’t want to do the same mistake as they all do. I don’t want to be sad and naughty, I don’t want to hate the one I used to love or the one who is the father of my children, the one I used to madly love from the deepest of my heart. I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t want to hate anyone because I would not have been able to understand my feeling or because I was blindly following them. In one sentence, I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t want to suffer after I suffered and witnessed their wrench.

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving…”

In memoriam …

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On this night, 20 years ago, died the most beautiful and warm hearted princess that the UK ever known. An amazing and wonderful human being. Leaving the UK orphan, missing their Lady Di. She was clever, funny and gorgeous. She had everything to succeed and to be happy, people said. But she did not have the fortune by her sides. Neither the happiness.
I was just 1yo when she died in my city, few kilometers from my home. So I can’t really say that I remember her. I wish I could. Nonetheless, I remember how loved and inspiring she was. She always had inspired me, she always has been my model as she embodies for me, two important qualities that, are grace and willingness. Fighting against mines and wars. Promoting world peace. Sitting by the bedsides of wounded children in Africa or HIV patients in British hospitals, she never has stepped backward in hard times, while her personal life was hell. This is why I wanted to write this “in memoriam”, to remember how beautiful and amazing she was but also to celebrate her life beyond death.